Strongly Worded Letter

The Second Best Day Of The Whole Year*

Say, what were you doing at 3:05 PDT this morning? If you are a card carrying member of the Red Sox Nation then you were parked in front of a television watching the opening game of the 2008 Major League Baseball season.   

Yep, Boston vs. the Oakland Athletics at Japan's Tokyo Dome in the first game that counts this year. The defending World Series champions play two this week in Japan before heading stateside for an exhibition game against the Dodgers Saturday before what will be the largest crowd ever assembled to see a baseball game, over 100,000 at the L.A. Coliseum.   

You know makes this '08 season even sweeter? No Barry Bonds! I couldn't have been happier to see his fat ass on the TV the other day. Apparently he is not retired and is working out and waiting for the phone to ring for some team to make him an offer to play another season.   

But check this out: Because not one of the thirty major league teams are interested, the Baseball Players Association is said to be conducting an investigation to determine whether collusion might be involved. Really? You don't think every team came to the same conclusion on their own on this one? Bonds is 43 years old, up to his steroid yoked neck in legal trouble and is universally despised.  No please.



One more sidebar on the Bonds tip. Thanks to blog reader Rose for turning me onto this humorous little song by Dan Bern called The Year By Year Home Run Totals Of The Great Barry Bonds.   

*The best day of the whole year? Of course it's the Mariners home opening this Monday!!  Play Ball!

The Day After

Today's the day after the Superbowl but more exciting for me is that we are one day closer to the start of the Major League Baseball season. My beloved Seattle Mariners put their tickets for their Cactus League games on sale this weekend. I have not made it down to Peoria, Arizona to catch a game yet but my Dad and I did see the M's play the Cubs in an exhibition game in Las Vegas a couple of years ago.

Here's one football note though, not about yesterday's Patriots disappointment,  but a game played twenty years ago this month, a game that recently aired again on the NFL Network. My friend Frank Murphy wrote this about it on his blog recently:

"The other day I flipped past and got immediately hooked in by a classic Redskins victory. My wife and son watched with me. We were just in time to see Doug Williams' first touchdown pass of Superbowl XXII. The Redskins  went on to score 42 unanswered points, winning the game 42 to 10.

As Ricky Sanders caught touchdown after touchdown, I was reminded of his performance at the team's victory celebration back in D.C. This young broadcaster was there to witness Sanders catch a pass from President Ronald Reagan. My good friend Bean and I described it live on WAVA. (Editor's note: Washington D.C. radio station Frank and I worked on in the 1980s)

In the time leading up to the game, we did some anti-Bronco smack talking on the morning show. Management complained when we said "Denver Sucks" on the air so I came up with an alternative catch phrase by looking in the dictionary: "The Broncos draw liquids into their mouths by creating a partial vacuum with their lips, cheeks and tongues." A listener made us some "Denver Sucks" hats, which we ungraciously wore to the White House. I have a picture taken using some antique technology. As you can see, a flaw in this "film" makes it look like I have something coming out of my nose."


I want to include the photo Frank posted to accompany his story on his blog too. Let this serve as some of the best advice you will ever get. If you want to appear ageless, grow a beard if you can. Frank looks nearly identical today as he does in this 20 year old picture. I, however, look twelve years old here and seventy today.

Seeyahawks!

That's Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre, age 10. 

I believe he, or most other 10 year olds, could have beaten the Seattle Seahawks yesterday in round two of the playoffs, as they did almost exactly nothing right.

That's really only 97% true, I guess, because they did recover two Packer fumbles for touchdowns in the first four minutes of the game. Then they proceeded to never score another one while giving up seven (7!!!!) to Green Bay. 

The bright news for Hawks fans is that it was not the type of loss that you replay over and over again in your mind every day of the the 8 month off season. No, it wasn't like all that was needed was a different play here or an adjustment there.  Seattle was pasted.  Dominated.  Crushed. Licked. Overpowered. Humbled.  Trashed. You get the idea.

Okay, they were ruined. Surmounted. Thwarted. Conquered. Mastered. Undone. Obliterated. 

Still not getting it? How about hammered? Pounded. Vanquished. Bested. Rode hard and put up wet. They were crippled. Subdued. Tamed. Cooked. Destroyed. Shellaced. Pulverized. Totalled.

Oh, yeah, and they lost too.

Let's Go Mariners!!!





   

Saturday Smorgasbord

1) R.I.P. Vampira. Who knew she was still alive? But now I am sad.

2) This may be the cutest baby I've ever seen. Kinda hairy though. Wait, what's that?




3) Y'all know how I feel about puppies. What you don't know is that piglets are even cuter. Even fluorescent ones.

4)  Watch last night's episode (#211) of Friday Night Lights at NBC.com  and  I'll give you a dollar* if you can name a better actor on television than Kyle Chandler. Watch it.  I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.

5)  America loves Brett Favre. I get that. I do too. But he's won his ring.  Now it's time for his former backup QB Matt Hasselback to get his. To get another shot at it all the Seahawks have to start by beating the heavily favored Packers today on the hallowed and frozen tundra of Lambeau Field, 1265 Lombardi Ave., Green Bay, Wisconsin, 54307.  Yes please.      

*dollar not included

It Is What It is

Ray Rice is a junior at Rutgers University and the star running back for their Scarlet Knights football team. He rushed for 290 yards and four touchdowns in their bowl win over Ball State on Saturday and was asked after the game if he would return for his senior season or declare himself eligible for the NFL draft.

"Me and coach will sit down once we get back to New Jersey and decide on that," Rice answered.

"Me and coach?" This guy is a junior in college with that brain? 

At least he didn't say he is taking it "one day at a time" or some other overused sports cliche.  If he had, he might have earned a mention in columnist Gene Collier's annual Trite Trophy column in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.

The whole column is worth reading here  but here are his top three sports cliches of the year and  reasons why:

"The finalists for the 2007 Trite Trophy (the three requirements: excessive use, essentially meaninglessness, and I have to really, really hate it):

Our third runner-up:

Thrown Under the Bus.

It's become something of a bridesmaid for the Trite, but still gets abused on a daily basis by players and coaches cast as scapegoats in all manner of sports dramas. Why are they throwing him under the bus? I don't know. I wish they'd just blame him.

Our second runner-up:

Run the Table.

Had a monstrous year because of the Patriots' run at an undefeated season, doable only as a mirrored function of their ability to run the table, sometimes referred to as WIN OUT. Happily enough, New England, in emerging as the team most likely to run the table, also managed to table the run.

Our first runner-up:

It Is What It Is.

Oh yeah, I hear that palpable sigh of relief in our audience recognizing that a Threepeat has been averted. It Is What It Is, a hyper-abused construction of astounding meaninglessness, was last year anointed the only two-time winner in Trite history. It Is What It Is remains a near primal force on the sports verbiscape, an almost constant reminder that when you can't think of anything to say, you can always go IIWII.

And now ... the moment dozens have been waiting for, the 24th Trite Trophy goes to ...

They're Very Physical.

What?

Are You Kiddin' Me? What about Are You Kiddin' Me??

No, They're Very Physical, the veteran cliche used and abused by so many coaches and players, writers, broadcasters, fans and pets over so many years finally gets its moment. Perhaps the most vapid description of any upcoming opponent ever devised, and readily adaptable twaddle for every kind of analyst pretending to know anything about any team in America, They're Very Physical has lived to serve.

They're Very Physical is everywhere and in every way completely useless.

They're Very Physical.

Well good, because this ain't Jeopardy."

 

A Man's Got To Eat

No, I haven't picked up a sponsor for this blog.  Instead this is the ad for the 99 Cents store that ran in yesterday's Los Angeles Times. There are three things that captured my attention.

#1 Has anyone ever seen a 3-liter bottle of anything?  Seen lots of twos and that Shasta bottle surely looks like a 2 but if they say so......

#2 I'm no good in the kitchen.  What the heck is a "Charger Plate"? At only 99 cents, how can it not only hold food plus charge stuff? Where do you plug it in? I'm serious. What is that?

#3. A close up, please. Well, it's about time the big corporations starting looking after the working man. At least someone is trying to make new Dodgers manager Joe Torre move to Southern California a little easier. He took a big pay cut to go there plus he has to pay for the move and finding a house won't be cheap. At a penny saved per item bought at the 99 Cents store they are practically paying him to shop there!

Too Much

What's it like being a sports fan in Boston these days? The Red Sox just won the World Series again, the Cheaters Patriots are the NFL's only unbeaten team, the new-look Celtics, now with Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen, are  3-0, even Boston College is a Top 10 college football team.

(gratuitous cheerleader photo)

But let me take you back to 1980, perhaps the best overall sports year a city has ever had. How about the World Series, Superbowl, Stanley Cup and NBA Finals all in one year?

The Philadelphia 76ers were the Eastern Conference champions but lost to the Magic Johnson-led Los Angeles Lakers team, 4 games to 2.

The Philadelphia Eagles also made it to the Big Game, losing the Superbowl to the Oakland Raiders 27-10.

The Philadelphia Flyers lost the Stanley Cup Finals to the New York Islanders, 4 games to 2.

And, yes, the Philadelphia Phillies made it to the World Series too. They won it, over the Kansas City Royals, 4 games to 2.

If you're not a sports fan maybe you read that and think, "What a bunch of loser teams!" but as a guy who lives in a city with an all-time history of only 3 NBA Finals appearances (one win), 1 Superbowl appearance (and loss), zero World Series games ever and no NHL team at all, hitting all four major sports championships in one year is nothing short of incredible. 

Yes Please!

Why Stealing Is Good

I was not impressed with 2004's Taco Bell promotion during the World Series. They offered a free taco for everyone in the United States if a home run was hit by either team off a target over the left field wall during Game 3 in St. Louis. Didn't seem like a real risk since the target was only about 12x12. That's a big ballpark times a handful of home runs divided by a tiny surface area. Hence, no free tacos.   

I don't know if they offered any free meat in 2005 but last year they expanded the offer to any home run hit over the left field wall, again during Game 3. Was there one?

Now it's Fall Classic Time again (Game One is tonight!) and again those clever bastards at Taco Bell have us talking about their latest offer. This time they will likely actually give away some tacos.

"BOSTON (Reuters) - Many Americans will be wagering on this week's baseball World Series. For Taco Bell, the stakes are a free taco for everyone in the United States.    

The fast-food chain on Monday unveiled a promotion it is calling "Steal a Base, Steal a Taco," which will run through the best-of-seven matchup.

"Millions and millions of people will be watching the Series and hopefully tuning in to see when they are going to get their taco," said Taco Bell spokesman Rob Poetsch.

There has been at least one stolen base in every World Series matchup since 1990. When the first base is stolen, the unit of Yum Brands Inc, will announce a Tuesday afternoon when consumers will be able to walk into the chain's participating 5,800 outlets and ask for a free taco. Anyone who walks into a participating outlet during the give-away period would be eligible for a free taco.

Despite the promotion's name, stealing the taco will not be required."

 

P.S. I picked the Indians to beat the Red Sox to get to the World Series so keep that in mind as I pick the Red Sox to win it over the Rockies in 5 games. Again, I know nothing.

I Miss Baseball!

 

 

That was the scene in the Phillies' clubhouse yesterday after improbably clinching the National League East and good for them.  Even with the Mets' historic collapse Philadelphia still had to nearly win out in the last two weeks of the season to make the playoffs. I surely would be enjoying this week if I were a Phils fan, or an Angels fan, or a Red Sox fan, or...you get the picture.

But loving the Seattle Mariners is my curse and Safeco Field is all buttoned up for the winter starting today. The lockers are cleaned out and the players' personal belongings are in Fed Ex planes right now going to the Dominican Republic, Japan, and even exotic Ohio.

As disappointing as it is to not make the playofffs again this year what keeps fans like me coming back every spring is that we believe that winning the World Series is a dream that is truly within our team's grasp.

There was a lot to be pleased with this season. We re-signed Ichiro Suzuki, who just batted .351, to a multi-year deal.

22 year old starter Felix Hernandez showed us he can be the ace of this club for a long time to come. Pitcher Miguel Batista won 16 games.

Young players like Adam Jones, Jamie Burke and Jeff Clement all made real contributions in the last weeks of the season and could do even more next year.   

Seattle has the fifth best record in the A. L. and ended up second in the American League West and ten games ahead of last year's last place finish.

Yeah, it's going to be a long winter. Congratulations to the teams and the fans who still have games that matter to them still to be played.  Me? I already can't wait for 2008.