Funnier Than Wall. E.

I know that I am guilty of at least half of the boo-boos on this list but as a grammar enthusiast I can't resist sharing it with y'all. It really is the funniest thing I have seen this summer.

Many thanks to blog reader Ana for directing me toward something called DeanHunt.com.

Bloggers Are Terrible Writers

In Affiliate Marketing | 44 comments | permalink

There are so many bad writers on the Internet, especially in the blogging world, so here are some amusing rules to help you become a world-class writer.

34 Rules For Kick ass Writing

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used unless you don’t want to seem too formal.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not always apropos.
13. Do not use more words, phrases, sentences, or other linguistic elements than you, yourself, actually really and definitely need to use or employ when expressing yourself or otherwise giving voice to what you may or may not be thinking when you are trying to say how many words you should use or not use when using words.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don’t use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, i.e. etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill excessive exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others elude to them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate distracting quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson is said to have once remarked, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally…
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Comments

[alisa]

kewl

[bruin]

As Homer Simpson (well known philanthropist and turner of the bon mot) once said, "Borrr-ingggg!!!!!!"

[John E]

Excellent work; however, #17 should say "Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, e.g. etc.", not "i.e. etc."

e.g. = exempli gratia. The basic translation for this is "for example".
i.e. = id est. The basic translation for this is "that is".

[db]

my writing is built for speed...grammar and all that other stuff slows me down

[Vic Rattler]

Number 3 is not a hard rule anymore, you just can't start the paragraph with one. AND commas belong wherever the speaker would pause, as shown in the sentence above as well as this one.

[Resilient Rabbit]

This is really cheating, Bean, as **anything** is funnier than Wall.E!

Still, I like it.

[Sketchbook by Chris]

I thought my wife would enjoy these and she came back with this, I think it is very relevant to this topic:

"Actually, I disagree with him, and you're welcome to post my reply in the comment section on his blog.

Bloggers are informal writers. Being informal doesn't make you a either a bad or good writer, just informal. Many grammatical rules have evolved quite a bit in the last few decades. People will try to argue "once a rule, always a rule", but the bottom line is we simply don't speak as formally as we used to, and written forms will inevitably evolve to reflect verbal communication. Both the preposition at the end of the sentence and split infinitive rules have evolved and loosened up quite a bit, to the extent that it's now viewed as frequently o.k. to break both of these "rules."

And I only partially agree that following these rules will make one a better writer. Writing isn't about following rules like you're an obsessive compulsive school marm. Writing is about understanding how words work to serve your purpose. I think the best writers are those people who understand the "rules" and amend or throw them out in a purposeful and creative manner.

Just my two cents."

[Ignacio P.]

I take umbrage with you people, Wall-E was a masterpiece of a film.

[Rochelle]

No analogies? That would be writing like peanut butter without jelly.

[Suzy]

I agree with Rochelle, but thanks for a good laugh. and although blogging IS informal, I doubt most people enjoy sounding like unlearned idiots... if you want to be taken seriously in whatever you feel the need to type up and post to the rest of the world, sound decently intelligent. Number 1 ought to be to remember to proofread.

[Kathryne]

Wow. I guess I'll never, ever be a kick ass writer. And I suspect my blogging friends won't either.

[Brian]

Thanks for that English lesson, Bean!

[Marge]

As a teacher (of the kick-ass variety, I might add), I plan to copy this and hang it on a wall in a classroom. If nothing else, it will bring enjoyment, at least to me. Hell, they can hardly READ -- what makes you think they can write?! It is, however, always worth a try! Thanks for the chuckle.