Strongly Worded Letter

What The Hell Is A Cake Wreck?

Thank you to blog reader Maria who tipped me off to a blog called Cake Wrecks. It is apparently the site you have been waiting for to read about "when professional cakes go horribly, hilariously wrong."

Cake disasters are chronicled in many categories, like Harsh Reality, Sweet Messenger:

The next category is Why Are The Children Screaming? with the additional commentary of " I don't get it - we just brought out the cakes, and poof! Mass hysteria!"

The Celebrity Wrecks entry includes Hulk & Linda Hogan being so "greatful" for their son Nick, the one who is in jail for killing that dude.

Little Bindi Irwin had a picture of her dead father, the Crocodile Hunter, to spend her tenth birthday with.

And Michael Jackson was a cake wreck before he was a train wreck. Here's the cake for his sixteenth birthday party.

And I think my favorite, captioned with I Believe The Children Are The Future, is Li'l Derrick's cake for his 4th birthday. Nothing says being four like Grand Theft Auto and gangstas with guns.

Enjoy the rest of the blog, here!

Bean, Olympian?

Like most Americans, Donna and I were talking about Michael Phelps last night. I asked how many endorsement contracts the Golden Boy of the Olympics will be signing when he returns home from China. Her answer? All of them! I have to agree with her.

But not so fast, Mad Men! Michael Phelps and I have a great deal in common and I am far, far cheaper to hire as your pitchmen. True, I am not much of a swimmer and have not even won one gold medal - much less a dozen - but we are practically twins when it comes to training. 

At least the eating part. The New York Post just broke down what Phelps (and I) eat every day during these Olympic Summer Games.

"Swimming sensation Michael Phelps has an Olympic recipe for success - and it involves eating a staggering 12,000 calories a day.

"Eat, sleep and swim. That's all I can do," Phelps told NBC when asked what he needs to win medals. "Get some calories into my system and try to recover the best I can."

By comparison, the average man of the same age needs to ingest about 2,000 calories a day.

Phelps, 23, will swim 17 times over nine days of competition at the Beijing Games - meaning that he will need all the calories he can shovel in his mouth in order to keep his energy levels high.

Phelps' diet - which involves ingesting 4,000 calories every time he sits down for a meal - resembles that of a reckless overeater rather than an Olympian.

Phelps lends a new spin to the phrase 'Breakfast of Champions' by starting off his day by eating three fried-egg sandwiches loaded with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions and mayonnaise.

He follows that up with two cups of coffee, a five-egg omelet, a bowl of grits, three slices of French toast topped with powdered sugar and three chocolate-chip pancakes.

At lunch, Phelps gobbles up a pound of enriched pasta and two large ham and cheese sandwiches slathered with mayo on white bread - capping off the meal by chugging about 1,000 calories worth of energy drinks.

For dinner, Phelps really loads up on the carbs - what he needs to give him plenty of energy for his five-hours-a-day, six-days-a-week regimen - with a pound of pasta and an entire pizza. He
washes all that down with another 1,000 calories worth of energy drinks."

Me too! And by-the-way, I have that same body that Michael is forcing you to look at above. I just don't feel the need to walk around on TV all day with no shirt on. Sheesh, what a show-off!

Your Sweetness Is My Weakness

Not to sound like that old fool Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes but, "Does anyone use real sugar anymore?"

I've been giving it some thought lately because circumstances led me to switch from my usual Sweet'N Low artificial sweetener to Equal. You see, I drink mostly iced tea at home and always buy bulk on both teabags and sweetener at the Costco.

Recently, the store I shop stopped carrying the pink one and started selling the blue one. I resisted at first - old habits die hard - and started buying smaller boxes of Sweet'N Low at the regular supermarket. Well, I was out of the sweet stuff and found myself at the Costco the other day so I bit the bullet and bought a box of 800 Equals for the first time.

Imagine my surprise to find out how much more I liked it! Equal kicks Sweet'N Low's ass!!!!! Praise Allah!!

But wait! if I was so wrong about Sweet'N Low's superiority over Equal, what do I make of the Splenda? I know people (and relatives) who swear by the yellow packets. So what to do?

Help me out, dear readers. What is the best artificial sweetener and why? Are any of them healthier than the others? Are they all about the same calories? Are there any other reasons to use one over the other? Please discuss.
 

Keeping Up With The Joneses

I guess I first encountered it a few months ago when I was flying on an Alaska Air flight and learned the bad news that the airline's partnership with the Coca-Cola family of products has expired.

Their new beverage provider was Seattle's own Jones Soda. I went ahead and ordered up the company's Cream Soda, the weird, clear liquid you see in the glass in the picture. That's right, cream soda that looks like water and tasted like dirt. It is really, really awful. Why? Why screw with cream soda, Jones? Drinking it is like licking coal. It's bad, times awful, multiplied by tragic.

I had almost forgotten about my disappointment until I visited our local supermarket this week and saw this soft drink display of cases of the evil stuff.

Please note the company's tactic of almost literally wrapping their cream soda in American flags in a blatant attempt to appeal to our patriotism while at the same time poisoning this great country with their ghastly soda pop.

 Don't fall for it, citizens. Stand tall and say NO! to this Red Menace in a clear bottle.

Shop Around

I've never met most of my regular blog readers, am email pals with a few, but appreciate all of you. Nicole is one who has often tipped me off to fascinating topics that she thinks might be worth sharing.

So, welcome to GroceryLists.org. Here's Bill Keaggy:

"In 1997, I picked up a discarded grocery list at a St. Louis supermarket. I found it to be a fascinating glimpse into a stranger's life and decided to pick them up whenever I found one. In 2000, I posted my collection of about 40 lists to the web. By 2004, when the New York Times Magazine profiled me and this collection, I had about 500. In early 2006 I started working on a book about these lost lists and by the time it was published in May 2007, there were 1,600 lists on the site (with thousands more yet to be scanned and posted).

The book, 'Milk Eggs Vodka: Grocery Lists Lost and Found', features about 200 of the best: The funniest, the weirdest, the saddest, the strangest, the unhealthiest and more. Simply put, it is a strange, fascinating and hilarious look at other peoples' discarded grocery lists. Published by HOW Books, it's hardcover, 240 pages, full-color — a beautiful compilation of shopping habits, spelling quirks and good fun. Learn more about the book at www.milkeggsvodka.com."

"List #1261: Hmmm. Considering this is New Year's Eve, I'd say this person has a pretty damn awesome night lined up, even if they are going solo and doing a little math on the side."

"List #1648: Nice. Self-directed sarcasm, bad dogs. Keeping it real. And very alone."




"List 1114: All I need to tell you is that this list was found in West Virginia. It's like the joke writes itself!"

Click here for hundreds more of other people's shopping lists! And thanks, Nicole!

Hail Hail Rock And Roll!!!

"If you tried to give Rock and Roll another name, you might call it Chuck Berry."

So said  John Lennon and he was spot on.  I'd place Chuck in the Top 5 most influential musicians of the 20th century alongside giants like Bing Crosby, Louis Armstrong, Jimmy Rodgers, and the obvious #1  K.C. & The Sunshine Band.    

A few nights ago I had a dream that Chuck Berry had died. He didn't: he's alive and still rocking at age 81.  But in my dream I was sad that it didn't seem like many people cared or acknowledged him as the true Founding Father of Rock and Roll. Johnny B. Goode, Roll Over Beethoven, Maybellene, Sweet Little Sixteen, and many many more hits are his legacy that should be remembered forever.   

Well, after my troubling dream, I pulled out my Chuck Berry on Chess Records boxed set and moved it into my car where I have been listening and re-listening to little else for the past week. I picked up a cheap used copy of Chuck's 1987 autobiography too and eagerly packed it in my backpack where I devoured it, half each way on the airplane, during my recent business trip to California.

Did I enjoy the read? Yes. Do I wish Chuck had more to say about his legendary songbook and how those songs were written instead of story after story about all the white women he nailed on the road? I do.

For instance, we got just two lines in the book about his song Rock And Roll Music, one of the definitive classics of the genre, and a cover hit for both the Beatles and the Beach Boys too.   

Instead, from page 305 of the autobiography, here are Chuck's food likes and dislikes.

     "First of all, I do not like liver. It dries my throat and feels and tastes like a mixture of cardboard and sour-pickle patties. I don't get near okra or gumbo because it's just the opposite, slimy and gooey; I can't even hold it in my mouth, let alone swallow it. At a point of starving I'd eat celery, carrots, cooked onions, eggplant, grapefruit or salami, but only as survival nutrition. I'd rather my taste buds suffer than my heartbeat flutter.

     I especially have a taste for pork though I'm not too fond of hog jowls or chitlins; I enjoy beef as in T-bone steak or stew, but absolutely no brains, tongue, and all that. I like fillet of catfish and salmon best of all freshwater fish, sweet and pungent shrimps of sea foods.

     Peaches are my favorite of all fruits; home fries and/or candied yams of vegetables, soupy chili of all bowl portions; date or apple-filled oatmeal cookies of the cookie kingdom; 'pea' in the nut field; raspberry in preserves (never jelly) and grape in soda pop. The only sandwiches I care for are egg and bacon on lightly toasted bread or apple butter thickly spread on lightly toasted white bread.

      I like Butternut or Snickers in candy bars; pineapple in fruit juices; and I drink orange juice all the time, anytime. White sliced French bread, soft vanilla pound cakes, and Dutch apple pie are especially good for treats at any hour of the day. For hot cereals it's oatmeal and for cold cereals it's corn flakes with a very ripe banana. I prefer fried (fresh) rabbit over chicken, duck, or turkey.

     To finish things off, I like assorted mints, Colgate toothpaste, and well water. Darn, I'm getting hungry." 

       

Thanks, Chuck. That is so much more interesting than one word in your book about Back In The U.S.A., Little Queenie, Come On, Run Rudolph Run or dozens of other songs you wrote but didn't mention at all.

 

Strongly Worded Letter #6

14 April 2008

Jack In The Box
1127 128th St.
Burien, Washington

Dear Jack,

     Hey, I'm a big fan of your restaurant, Jack, and especially love your new grilled chicken strips.

     I have really pressing question though and would very much appreciate your answer by return post.  When the voice in the drive-through window speaker asks me what kind of sauce I would like with my chicken strips, what is done with that information? I mean, what is it for? What is the reason that question is asked?
            
     I'll tell you what you don't do with that little tidbit. Use it to direct anyone in your kitchen TO ACTUALLY PUT THE SAUCE I'VE REQUESTED OR ACTUALLY ANY SAUCE AT ALL INTO THE FOOD BAG THAT I THEN DRIVE AWAY WITH AND GET TWO MILES DOWN THE ROAD WHEN AT A STOP LIGHT I OPEN SAID BAG AND HOPE TO DIP MY CHICKEN STRIPS INTO SOMETHING ONLY TO FIND OUT I HAVE BEEN STIFFED AGAIN BY YOUR INCOMPETENT AND PROBABLY EVIL FAST FOOD WINDOW EMPLOYEES! OH, AND MORE THAN ONCE!!!!!

     Best of luck, Jack, and the new TV commercials are funny too.

Sincerely,





    

My Wife Left Me

Yes, she is on vacation in Europe helping a girl friend celebrate a milestone birthday (Happy 70th, Gina!).

Knowing that I am only self-sufficient when she is at home, she did an awesome wifely thing for me though. The night before she left she cooked up a whole bunch of food and left it in Tupperware in the refrigerator for me.

One night I microwaved a turkey burger that already had the cheese on it! It was great. At lunch I had some delicious chicken and pasta. Last night was the fancy dinner though.

Donna had prepared a beautiful piece of fresh salmon, seasoned it to perfection and sealed it up in a Pyrex bowl. She also whipped up some fresh mashed potatoes and left those in another container too.

I brushed some olive oil on the fish  so it wouldn't dry out in the microwave and added a little butter on top of the mashed potatoes. I selected two minutes at 80% and started salivating as I counted down to the feast.



When the buzzer sounded, I was shocked to see a bowl of fish soup. The potatoes had absolutely evaporated. How could that be?

I got a spoon out and took a taste. Hey, Donna in Rome, thanks for the fresh whipped cream too. 

In case you are wondering, it wasn't bad.


 

O My Queen.......

I got an email this week from a person with the unlikely name of Ruchelle. First of all, what's that about? But more on point she was writing because she had overheard me saying in conversation that one of my favorite things about the four hour road trip from the Bad Place to Las Vegas, Nevada is the opportunity to stop at the Dairy Queen in Barstow for a Blizzard. 

I've made that drive dozens of times over the years and it's just the perfect halfway stop to get out, stretch your legs, buy gas, get your delicious ice cream treat on, and shop for deals at the attached Pilot truck stop. You can buy everything from CB radios, to country music cassettes, to "Trucker By Choice, American By Birth" T-shirts there. Plus they have bathrooms (and showers!), a Western Union office,  and plenty of parking with easy on and off access from Interstate 10.   

Or do they? Ruchelle writes, "We came back from Vegas and we were going to stop there like we always do and we saw that it was gone!!!!! We are outraged! We loved stopping by that Dairy Queen."

I replied, "What?? Are you sure? In Barstow attached to the Pilot station?"

Ruchelle (if that even is her name), "Yes!! Now it is just an empty lot.  I am hoping they will bring it back. Here is the address. I tried to Google it but they have a old picture still on there.

DAIRY QUEEN BRAZIER / FUEL CENTER
2591 Commerce Pkwy
Barstow, CA 92311-9568"

Look, I know I could look up the number and just call the truck stop to confirm this awful news but it's too painful a thing to learn over the phone. I still haven't fully stopped mourning the loss of the famous Bun Boy restaurant down the Interstate in Baker, California.

So I am throwing it open to you readers who have passed through Barstow more recently than I have. Is Ruchelle on the dope? Does she sit on a Throne of Lies? Or is it all true? Dairy Queen R.I.P.?

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Menu analysis prepared by American Council On Science And Health staff, directors, and scientific advisors, with technical assistance from Dr. Ruth Kava, Director of Nutrition, and Dr. Leonard Flynn, scientific consultant.

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Appetizers

Cream of Mushroom Soup

hydrazines

Fresh Relish Tray

Carrots

aniline, caffeic acid

Cherry Tomatoes

benzaldehyde, caffeic acid, hydrogen peroxide, quercetin glycosides

Celery

caffeic acid, furan derivatives, psoralens

Assorted Nuts

Mixed Roasted Nuts

aflatoxin, furfural

Green Salad

Tossed Lettuce and Arugula with Basil-Mustard Vinaigrette

allyl isothiocyanate, caffeic acid, estragole, methyl eugenol

Entrees

Roast Turkey

heterocyclic amines

Bread Stuffing (with onions, celery, black pepper & mushrooms)

acrylamide, ethyl alcohol, benzo(a)pyrene, ethyl carbamate, furan derivatives, furfural, dihydrazines, d-limonene, psoralens, quercetin glycosides, safrole

Cranberry Sauce

furan derivatives

or

Prime Rib of Beef with Parsley Sauce

benzene, heterocyclic amines, psoralens

Vegetables

Broccoli Spears

allyl isothiocyanate

Baked Potato

ethyl alcohol, caffeic acid

Sweet Potato

ethyl alcohol, furfural

Rolls with Butter

acetaldehyde, benzene, ethyl alcohol, benzo(a)pyrene, ethyl carbamate, furan derivatives, furfural

Desserts

Pumpkin Pie

benzo(a)pyrene, coumarin, methyl eugenol, safrole

Apple Pie

acetaldehyde, caffeic acid, coumarin, estragole, ethyl alcohol, methyl eugenol, quercetin glycosides, safrole

Fruit Tray

Fresh Apples, Grapes, Mangos, Pears, Pineapple

acetaldehyde, benzaldehyde, caffeic acid, d-limonene, estragole, ethyl acrylate, quercetin glycosides

Beverages

Red Wine, White Wine

ethyl alcohol, ethyl carbamate

Coffee

benzo(a)pyrene, benzaldehyde, benzene, benzofuran, caffeic acid, catechol, 1,2,5,6-dibenz(a)anthracene, ethyl benzene, furan, furfural, hydrogen peroxide, hydroquinone, d-limonene, 4-methylcatechol

Tea

benzo(a)pyrene, quercetin glycosides

Jasmine Tea

benzyl acetate

NATURALLY OCCURRING MUTAGENS and CARCINOGENS FOUND in FOODS and BEVERAGES

Acetaldehyde (apples, bread, coffee, tomatoes)—mutagen and potent rodent carcinogen

Acrylamide (bread, rolls)—rodent and human neurotoxin; rodent carcinogen

Aflatoxin (nuts)—mutagen and potent rodent carcinogen; also a human carcinogen

Allyl isothiocyanate (arugula, broccoli, mustard)—mutagen and rodent carcinogen

Aniline (carrots)—rodent carcinogen

Benzaldehyde (apples, coffee, tomatoes)—rodent carcinogen

Benzene (butter, coffee, roast beef)—rodent carcinogen

Benzo(a)pyrene (bread, coffee, pumpkin pie, rolls, tea)—mutagen and rodent carcinogen

Benzofuran (coffee)—rodent carcinogen

Benzyl acetate (jasmine tea)—rodent carcinogen

Caffeic acid (apples, carrots, celery, cherry tomatoes, cof-fee, grapes, lettuce, mangos, pears, potatoes)—rodent carcinogen

Catechol (coffee)—rodent carcinogen

Coumarin (cinnamon in pies)—rodent carcinogen

1,2,5,6-dibenz(a)anthracene (coffee)—rodent carcinogen

Estragole (apples, basil)—rodent carcinogen

Ethyl alcohol (bread, red wine, rolls)—rodent and human carcinogen

Ethyl acrylate (pineapple)—rodent carcinogen

Ethyl benzene (coffee)—rodent carcinogen

Ethyl carbamate (bread, rolls, red wine)—mutagen and rodent carcinogen

Furan and furan derivatives (bread, onions, celery, mushrooms, sweet potatoes, rolls, cranberry sauce, coffee)—many are mutagens

Furfural (bread, coffee, nuts, rolls, sweet potatoes)—furan derivative and rodent carcinogen

Heterocyclic amines (roast beef, turkey)—mutagens and rodent carcinogens

Hydrazines (mushrooms)—mutagens and rodent carcinogens

Hydrogen peroxide (coffee, tomatoes)—mutagen and rodent carcinogen

Hydroquinone (coffee)—rodent carcinogen

d-limonene (black pepper, mangos)—rodent carcinogen

4-methylcatechol (coffee)—rodent carcinogen

Methyl eugenol (basil, cinnamon and nutmeg in apple and pumpkin pies)—rodent carcinogen

Psoralens (celery, parsley)—mutagens; rodent and human carcinogens

Quercetin glycosides (apples, onions, tea, tomatoes)—mutagens and rodent carcinogens

Safrole (nutmeg in apple and pumpkin pies, black pepper)—rodent carcinogen

Please enjoy!

I Scream, You Scream......

You can tell the holidays are really here when the Dreyer's Ice Cream specialty flavors start to appear in your grocer's freezer. I got excited at the word peppermint on the first carton I spied with my little eye last night while grocery shopping. 

Then my heart raced when I noticed the egg nog flavor right next to it. But wait, something's wrong. Where's the Reason For The Season? We're already past Halloween and less than a week from Thanksgiving. Where's the Dreyer's Pumpkin Ice Cream?

Oh, whew, okay. My bad. it's over here in the adjacent aisle. I'll just pick some up now and get on home....uh-oh. This can't be. That's not my beloved pumpkin ice cream - it just looks exactly like it. But this is something called Swiss Orange. And it's not even ice cream! Ohmigod! It's sherbet!! What is this, Mexico?

I feel a strongly worded letter coming on unless that freezer looks very different on my next visit. Count on it.   

Why Stealing Is Good

I was not impressed with 2004's Taco Bell promotion during the World Series. They offered a free taco for everyone in the United States if a home run was hit by either team off a target over the left field wall during Game 3 in St. Louis. Didn't seem like a real risk since the target was only about 12x12. That's a big ballpark times a handful of home runs divided by a tiny surface area. Hence, no free tacos.   

I don't know if they offered any free meat in 2005 but last year they expanded the offer to any home run hit over the left field wall, again during Game 3. Was there one?

Now it's Fall Classic Time again (Game One is tonight!) and again those clever bastards at Taco Bell have us talking about their latest offer. This time they will likely actually give away some tacos.

"BOSTON (Reuters) - Many Americans will be wagering on this week's baseball World Series. For Taco Bell, the stakes are a free taco for everyone in the United States.    

The fast-food chain on Monday unveiled a promotion it is calling "Steal a Base, Steal a Taco," which will run through the best-of-seven matchup.

"Millions and millions of people will be watching the Series and hopefully tuning in to see when they are going to get their taco," said Taco Bell spokesman Rob Poetsch.

There has been at least one stolen base in every World Series matchup since 1990. When the first base is stolen, the unit of Yum Brands Inc, will announce a Tuesday afternoon when consumers will be able to walk into the chain's participating 5,800 outlets and ask for a free taco. Anyone who walks into a participating outlet during the give-away period would be eligible for a free taco.

Despite the promotion's name, stealing the taco will not be required."

 

P.S. I picked the Indians to beat the Red Sox to get to the World Series so keep that in mind as I pick the Red Sox to win it over the Rockies in 5 games. Again, I know nothing.

Way To Bum Us All Out

Two of my favorite welcoming signs of the holidays are the late September arrival of the Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte and the late October arrival of eggnog in the supermarket.

Well, Newsweek.com is already making sure I don't enjoy the coffee this year with their article called, "the Eight Most Fattening Foods Of Fall."

Turns out that yummy beverage to the right comes with 20 grams of fat and 510 calories.  Still worth it, I say, but click here if you want your Halloween candy and Thanksgiving meal ruined too.